~Fallen Hope? Think again, beloved. ~

Sometimes it's all just a matter of perspective....

In my office, above the double doors, I have two metal words hung up: "Love" and "Hope".  Last week, out of nowhere, "Hope" fell and just landed on the carpet, staring at me as I sat nearby at my computer chair.

And on the tail-end of an incredibly difficult two weeks, I confess to you this: I sighed.

Loudly.

Why me? Why did "hope" have to fall down on the ground again? Isn't it always like that, though? We think that we are finally on a roll of life and in the swing of living, when all of a sudden the rug is swooshed out from under us and we're left wondering, "Um, I didn't sign up for this.  Hope, can you please get back up where you belong?"

I left it laying there - I'm not sure why.  I passed by it for several days, thinking about my recently fallen hope and I didn't notice the incredibly obvious truth that was literally right there in front of me.  On my carpet, by the newly painted blue walls.

Hope.

A friend pointed it out to me when I told her the story. She said that she didn't see that hope had fallen at all. 

She said that hope had made itself known to me. 

And, indeed, it had.  Because everyday that I saw that word on my floor (much, much more often than I would have seen it hanging above my door), I was reminded of the word. In the midst of every morning, every afternoon and every evening...there it was.  Making itself known.  Seen.  Tangible -- even as just a word.

Hope itself wouldn't let me forget that that hope exists.

Even if I don't see it.
Or understand it.
Or expect it.

It's easy to focus on the rain or the storm.  It's easy to focus on the trial and lose sight that someday, prayerfully...this too shall pass and once again, light will prevail. It always has and always will. So will justice - even if it's not on this side of Heaven.

Hope.

Once again, truth trumps feelings.

And in the pale blue office, with books, a mug of steaming coffee, piles of paperwork and a woman with brown hair tossed into a pony tail, I write about that very word.

Hope.


Beautiful, real hope.

~ Things that make life worth living ~

Sunsets. Falling in love. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. Candlelight. Milkshakes. Bubble baths. Giggling. Seeing the stars twinkle. Long conversations late at night. Waves hitting a beach. Running through sprinklers. Smiles. 

 

 

The beauty of a snowfall. Sledding. Red cheeks. Laughter.  Bubbles. Twirling. Hula hoops. Laughing at an inside joke. Laughing at yourself. Laughing so hard your stomach hurts. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all. Just plain laughing. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful. Friends. 













Realizing that you are loved by the God of the Universe. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. Taking a chance. Knowing God. Those "aha" moments in life. Hope.

 




 Amazing grace.

 

Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. First kisses. Making new friends or spending time with old ones. Playing with a new puppy. Holding a sleeping baby. Sweet dreams. Hot chocolate. The prefect cup of coffee. Butterfly kisses. Making chocolate chip cookies. Making a mess. Hearing "I love you". Warm snuggles.








Holding hands with someone you care about. Watching the sunrise. Watching a sunset. Realizing you made a difference in someone's world. Realizing that you really are that strong. Encouraging someone. Knowing that somebody misses you. Knowing that you are someone worth missing. Knowing you matter to someone - but first of all, to yourself. Dancing in the dark. Singing in the shower. 

Feeling your heart open. 

                                                      Knowing that you really can reach for the stars.

~ Winter, peace, broken roads ~

Tonight, I'm listening.

I'm listening to the crackle of the warm fire not 10 feet from me.

I'm listening to the wind howling outside - negative 8 degrees wind chill is ridiculously cold for Dallas! But inside, only cozy warmth. :)

I'm listening to the sound of my cat purring nearby.

And I'm listening to the sound of peace, mixed with a little amazing grace.

In this moment, in my now, these average and ordinary sounds remind me of one specific, beautiful thing: I'm at peace.

Peace.

I know what peace is because I've experienced everything it isn't.

I believe God doesn't create broken roads of our lives but He sure can lead us through them...right to Him, where His perfect love and perfect peace abounds. I never knew all the lost dreams I had were really resting in Hands greater than mine. I never knew that the true love that I was looking for all along could not be found within any person but in a God who gave life it's name. I never knew that the broken pieces of my life were worth the time to be put back together. I never knew what love truly was ... until it called me, saved me, redeemed me.

And where I'm at ... where I've been ... where I'm going, I dedicate this song to my God, my Savior, my best friend:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

~ Words for the broken little girl ~

As the moon stood outside a window on a warm July night, a little girl with brown eyes and brown hair lay motionless inside a room, eyes squeezed shut, desperately wanting to sink through the floor. That night marked a "before/after" in her young life that she desperately wanted to forget about. And "forget" she did - she locked away her pain, took on the words "I'm fine!" to fill every part of her life, and set her eyes on moving forward, not feeling one single bit for the irrefutable death that occurred that night.

Later....much, much later, I realized that deep inside my heart, that same little girl still had a place - it was like she took up residence in some corner of me.

I was that little girl. And I was 11 years old.


















In this corner of my soul, the little girl in me still had her little hands up because she learned at that young age that even the people you trust the most to not hurt you...inevitably will.

In this corner, I would keep part of myself withdrawn and silent - it was like the same words that told me that night "don't ever tell!" echoed into other areas of my life.

In this corner, this Little Marlena of my soul would always say, "I'm fine! It didn't matter. It's in the past."

Only it wasn't.


There came a time when I had to acknowledge that wounded Little Marlena within my heart -- my "inner child" if you will. And I had to reach deep within to find her and tell the wounded part of me from long ago that it was okay, that she was safe, and that she survived.

And I had to realize that the God who wove together every strand of my soul loved the parts of me that were detached, confused, scared, and so very wounded.

And that He could take the pieces of a broken little girl and put her back together again.















A couple of years ago, I wrote a letter to the child within my heart.

The strong, wiser part of me spoke to the parts of me that were still hurting and hiding.

To all the grown women who might have little girls of their souls who are hurting, please accept these words you are about to read as they are: Loving. Accepting. Welcoming. Protecting.

They are for you, too.

What happened to you is not a reflection of who you are but a reflection of those who hurt you.

You are not alone.

So many of us have similar darkened places and corners of our hearts that we hide in, around, or within. By grace, I pray that the words that comforted me once upon a time just reach in and give the same comfort to you.


Sweet Child,

How I wish these words could act as a hand to brush your dark hair out of your dark eyes. I wish you could look into my calm, comforting eyes to find the security and love I know you seek. Sweet child, I know you're hurting so bad and as someone who loves you so much, I would do anything to protect you and shelter you from this storm.

Never forget that even in the darkest night, God also loves you and will always hold your hand - He is closer than any prayer you say. Someday those eyes of yours that reflect so much sadness will someday reflect happiness. It's coming, honey - just hold on.

In those dark moments, hold my hand. In the moments when your heart is crying, don't look at the pain around you and within you - look at the sun outside or the moon beaming. Find something to focus on, something to find strength from. Just survive. All you need to do right now is survive - and you will. I promise. You will.

Honey, it's not your fault. You have not done a single thing to cause this. Some people are just really messed up inside and broken themselves - and they hurt other people. I understand why you kept silent and it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's. Not. Your. Fault. And guess what? It's okay to cry too. I understand.

I wish I could be with you hiding - we would hug Garfield together and I would tell you about your amazing future that lies ahead. I would tell you that I can be your strength and that I am always here for you, and that no matter what, you will always be the amazing, beautiful person that God created you to be.

No one will ever destroy your spirit and a million times over, I want to tell you what you never, ever heard...it will be okay. It will be okay. It will be okay. You have every right to be loved and cared for in the ways that only exist in your dreams - and I am here to tell you that someday they can exist in your reality too.

Your only job right now is surviving and growing into a brighter future than you can ever dream. Just survive, and I promise you that we will sort through your pain and heartache later. Trust me. For now, know that I love you, you are amazingly strong, and despite every sad corner of your little life right now, it is my absolute promise to show you joy and sunshine someday.

Love, The grown-up part of your heart


This is a song for you.

... Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection
Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection ...

~ You're alright - a Lifehouse lullaby for a hurt soul ~

The first time I heard this song, it was in the still of the night, in the corner of my couch, laptop perched on my lap. I even remember I was wearing owl pajamas and my hair was in a ponytail - it's strange what you remember during moments you will never forget.

In that moment, my friend, who I had opened up to about some deep soul wounds of my heart -- felt led to send me this song. When I clicked on the link, it was not what I was expecting. I was incredibly silent and just listened.

Boy did I listen.

You see, this song seemed to be created from words inside my head that had never made their way onto paper. Each verse held some sort of truth for me - for some point in my life.

Silent tears clouded my eyes till the lyrics on the screen disappeared.

But I still heard them.

'Cause the weak will
Seek the weaker til they've broken them.
Could you get it back again?
Would it be the same?
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense,
Left you with no defense;
They tore it down.


And I will never forget them.

This song is about being walked on. It's about being treated badly by others because it makes those people feel good about themselves; That hurting someone elses feelings gives them a feeling of importance. It's about withdrawing into yourself - isolating yourself from the world because, when you retreat into your "shell", you're safe and no-one can hurt you... none of those cruel, ignorant people who enjoy putting you down can do anymore harm to you when you've locked yourself away in your "cage".

Locked inside
The only place
Where you feel sheltered,
Where you feel safe.
You lost yourself
In your search to find
Something else to hide behind.

I cried over it many times and it was strangely, incredibly healing. I felt comforted by knowing that I was not alone in my heartache and that the reason why the lyrics were even written is heartbreakingly because they were truth for someone else too. Someone had to endure this pain in order for the lyrics to even form.

Perhaps way more than what we would ever like to imagine.

Refuse to feel anything at all,
Refuse to slip,
Refuse to fall.
Can't be weak,
Can't stand still,
You watch your back 'cause no one will.

I believe that everyone deserves to be treated with care and respect.
I believe that everyone deserves to feel safe in their world.
I believe that everyone deserves to have a soft place to land.

~
The fearful always preyed upon your confidence.
Did they see the consequence,
when they pushed you around?
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones,
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown.

~

You don't know why they had to go this far,
Traded your worth for these scars,
For your only company.
And don't believe the lies
That they have told to you. Not one word was true
you're alright, you're alright, you're alright.

If you listened to this and felt a similar twinge as I did ... still do... hearing this haunting melody and lyrics, know this:

You're alright, you're alright, you're alright.
















And you're not alone. You never have been and you never will be. How do I know this?

Because God so loved the world.

~ Ordinary Sunday ~

Here, on this cold Sunday morning in late January, an ordinary morning has transpired.

A Mom got up with her 2 kids. Fixed breakfast. Little Einsteins was on in the background. Got 2 kids ready to go to church. Got myself ready to go to church. Looked at the pile of dishes in the sink, thought about the laundry in the dryer that needed to be folded. Saw the toys on the floor from last night and they blurred into the rest of the things that need to be put away.

In passing through this Sunday morning, I made mental notes on my eternal to-do list.

But...what if I looked at this morning through different eyes.

What if I reflected on the sweet, sweet cuddles I received from my little girl when she crawled into my bed at dawn? She navigated herself to the warm, occupied part of my bed and cradled herself against me.


And I got to breathe in her sweet strawberry smelling hair and hold the same little girl in my arms who I first held 5 years ago when she was laid across my body with a loud cry and a hundred "I love you's" coming from my lips.







What if when I was making eggs, I noticed the smiles from the silly song I made up, "Making eggy weggies, in the pan you go! It's an eggy weggy Sunday...don't you know!" and how eager they are to help cook? Would I notice how much they love to hang out with me in the simplest of ways? And how much they bless my life, even in a kitchen with dishes in the sink and crumbs on the floor?


And the toys I stepped over - well, they created one of the memories that will forever be in the "filebox" of my heart. Last night, Alena & I had a random pre-bedtime tea party on my bedroom floor - jammies and all. Not only will I never forget the careful, sweet way she filled my princess cup with invisible tea and how she made sure I had a beautiful slice of "wedding" cake, but also how she kissed my cheek and told me how beautiful my hair looked sprawled out on the floor.

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive.















And what if I noticed that even though my time with my hot coffee and the Word was not completely quiet in the other room, I realized that the voices of my son and daughter playing a lego game were blessed sounds to have in the background of a home. They are voices of little people growing in this world, on this date, in this home.

So...on a normal, ordinary Sunday in late January, a life and family lives. With toys on the floor, eggs on breakfast plates, jammies on little bodies, and a Mom realizing that there might never be enough time in the day but there will always be enough love throughout it.

“Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.” - Oliver Wendell Holmes

~ You deserve to be loved ~

Read the quote to my left please.

Now read it again. Thank you.

Okay, I know some of you agree with me - but...even if you don't, the truth of the statement trumps your feelings that may doubt the validity of it.

Because of the truth, I want to share a few things with you to help guard your precious heart that deserves to be loved.

Lord, please protect the hearts of your daughters and may they be willing and have the heart to not only wait upon You, but also wait to jump into the arms of what they FEEL rather than the arms that have SHOWN them they are worthy of trust.

Sometimes packages can look realllly pretty.

I'm not sure if you've ever received a present that just looking at it took your breath away. You saw the beautiful wrapping paper and the bow - and were just mesmerized by how blessed you were to receive such an amazing gift. It might have even had your name on it - it seemed so custom and created for you. You might have prayed all your life for it, you might have even wished on stars for it.

You thanked God for such a beautiful gift.

You might even have known that "it's what's on the inside that counts" and you truly thought that what seemed so beautiful and perfect on the surface (and I'm not just talking about appearance - I'm going deeper than that!) was just as amazing on the inside.

The little voice in your head that says "appearances can be deceiving" was just quieted by your blind eyes that were longing for sweetness, security, something to believe in and make sense of. More. (and in the midst of these words, God says, "Beloved, it's Me you long truly need.") You convinced yourself and might have tried to convince God. You believed amidst your yearning that the beautiful gift was really real.

And then you opened it - or, someone opened it for you. Like, truly opened it up.

What you thought was genuine turned out to be much less than.

What you thought was real gold - turned out to be golden only on the surface.

What you thought to be written on your heart very well still might be - but you just opened the wrong box.

So, you brush your wounded, disappointed, possibly abandoned, shaken, heart broken self up - and wonder how you can ever trust another beautiful package again to really hold something of true value to you.

Have you been there, my friends?

In our fallen world, this happens every day. Promises mean little to the person who doesn't understand the significance of one. A person's actions speak more than any word they speak to you. You will know a person's true heart by the way they TREAT you - not in the words they TELL you.

You can always love the ones you trust but you cannot always trust the ones you love. Trust is earned.

When you realize your worth in this world - you will guard your heart with wisdom and not your feelings. You will give them a chance to become more to you - don't give them a place in your heart they have not earned yet. Your heart is VALUABLE.

Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." So what does that mean? For intimate relationships, I believe it means that you must build a foundation in friendship before seeking a house of intimacy. It means seeking God's heart for the future of the relationship and continuously turning to Him for His sweet voice to speak to your heart.

Guarding your heart is a call to protect your character. Your spirit. Your you.

It's like a key that unlocks deeper intimacy and opens your doors to vulnerability - both which are beautiful and precious in life. And in the right time, they are. Intimacy and vulnerability take time to develop.

Time.


True love waits.

And I will never stop advocating for you or any other heart out there to be loved safely, honestly, purely, and truly.

I value your heart.

So does God.

You are His Beloved and with God, there are standards for love here on earth that He wants to make darn sure you have!

You deserve to be loved.