A Mother's Prayer

It's easy to forget what's important. 

Today I can look around my house and see the still-up party decorations from my daughter's Rapunzel party this past weekend.  I can hear the ding of my work email hit through my Iphone and I can see the shoes under the kitchen table that I daily tell my son to put away. Maybe by the 576th time, he will remember. I can see the pile of "last day of school" work left to be sorted through and the lawn that needed to be mowed last week. Sometimes my single Mom hands get really full.  Really, really full.

It's easy to lose myself in the never ending cycle of "I'll never catch up" and the exhaustion that follows every single day. And there are some days when admittedly, I get overwhelmed and I forget that my job as a Mom far exceeds teaching them how to complete tasks or be responsible.  Sometimes my own prayers turn toward, "God, please help me catch up..."

However, in the chambers of my Mommy heart, I know this...

More important than any chore or task are the two little minds who are soaking up the life that I sometimes forget I am blessed to lead them through.  It may only be for a short time that they are mine to hold but what I pass on to them can prayerfully echo into their lifetime. I just know that I will blink and my nine year old son will be going off to college and my seven year old daughter will be twirling across the stage of life, rather than our living room.  Wasn't it just yesterday that I was taking them for a walk in the neighborhood and captured this memory? 

My deepest prayer today - more than any completion of a "to-do" list or that for once, my children will listen and mind me the first time, (much less brush their teeth without being reminded), is that their identity be cemented in the solid foundation of God's word.

Dylan and Alena, you are precious, irreplaceable, chosen, loved and treasured. 

You were created with a PURPOSE and have a destiny to fulfill in your life.  God knows how many hairs are on your head and how many cares are in your heart.  Even though I love you more than there are stars in the sky, your Heavenly Father loves you even greater than that. Never give anyone the power to define you - may you already know who you are through the truth of God's word. 

You never have to be afraid of the dark when you have the Light living within you and around you. You can always talk to God no matter where you are, what you're going through, or what you've done.  He loves to hear your voice. May you always seek His presence and turn your ears and heart to hear Him when the noise of the world gets too loud.  God doesn't always shout - He loves to whisper - and sometimes you will hear Him through your heart. You can see Him in the sunrise, in the embrace of a friend or the uncontrollable giggles that you get when you surrender to childhood.  God loves you so much that He will bless you a thousand times - just look for them...I promise they are there.

God's faith in you never dwindles or fails. You are enough. You matter.  Your dreams matter. You have a place in this world.  You have something incredibly special the world needs.You are never, ever alone. You are eternally loved.

And if you ever forget, know that this Momma, no matter the time, year, or circumstance, will be on her knees praying for you. And yes, I'll still be praying for the time to finally finish the laundry.

"Light and Darkness" - age 7

"Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God."  - Jesus
The moments you always remember...

Shortly after Christmas last year, my 7 year old son asked me if I would read him a verse in the new Bible I got him for Christmas. Before I found out what he wanted, I was quick to say "Dylan, please go back to bed" but when I realized what he was asking, I said, "Sure" (I mean, really!).  He got his Bible and I decided to read in Psalms.  He thought I was going to read 139 (what I highlighted for him as "his" verse) but I turned to Psalm 91.

Afterward I encouraged him to go up to bed, but he had some thoughts to impart. Boy did he ever.

Randomly, he started talking about light and darkness.  It was as if a LIGHT (literally) in him switched on and his blue eyes danced and he spoke with passion and enthusiasm. I was in awe of what he (all by himself!) started talking about and I could only affirm what he was saying.  I asked him where he got all this knowledge from and he said, "It came from in here and here" (he said pointing to his head and his heart).  Wow.

If I may....

"Light and Darkness" by Dylan

"When light hits darkness, light always wins.  Darkness has no choice because light is stronger"

"I think that darkness is like the size of a planet.  Sometimes it seems really big because planets are really big.  But light?  It's the size of the UNIVERSE.  So while darkness might seem big as a planet, when you think of light being the size of the universe, the size of the planet is really pretty small."

"Darkness surrenders to the light - it has to."

"Mom, darkness can't understand light. Because all it knows is dark!  Light hits it and it can only wonder what it is because it's nothing like the dark!"

"I like thinking of the light as being like an army sent in by God - going into battle the darkness.  But no matter how huge the army of darkness is, the army of light will always be bigger."

"So, Dylan, what do you think is light?" I asked him.  Without skipping a beat, he said, "God!"  And that since he thinks in terms of battles (he loves those little green army men), he proceeded to show me with his hands how God sends an army marching in when He sees darkness.  And while stacking his little arms on top of each other and having them appear even in size, he explained to me, "Sometimes it might seem like these armies are the same size." And with a twinkle in his eyes, he said softly, "But they're not."  "The army of light is always bigger."

"You know, if a person is hit by light, this is what happens" (and he proceeded to act like something had hit his chest (by his heart) and he made his body rise up in joy.  "But if a person is hit the same way with darkness, this is what happens."  (and he fell over on the couch, as if dead)

"Even if there is a lot of darkness around, all it takes is the smallest amount of light to overcome that darkness.  Even the tiniest little bit (picture him acting like he's holding a single pea with his little hands) will shine a light and make the darkness lose the strength"

"Darkness HATES light.  It runs. Everytime.  It has to.  The darkness is really AFRAID of the light.  It doesn't know what to think of it, so it runs."

I would say for certain that God has a MIGHTY BIG plan for this little boy.
 

 Swing high, little man.  Always.

Forgiveness

When someone hurts you, forgiveness might be the last thing you think you're capable of.  We've ALL been there.  We've had wounds inflicted on us that might be incomprehensible for another human being to do.  Sometimes when you are so hurt and broken inside, it seems natural to be angry and bitter and remain broken over what happened and think that if you make a choice to forgive them, then you're saying it's ok that they hurt you.  I know I've carried specific people all my life around - because I never could imagine being free from them because they hurt such a deep part of my heart.

Then I began been thinking about who was receiving that hurt within the boundary of today - was it hurting them?  Likely not.
Was I being continually hurt by those who went against everything God says about love and respect?

Yes.

The reality is that those hurts ended a long time ago - but inside, they echoed more than they should.

Do you feel a nudge within you? 
Feel something similar?

Different situation, perhaps - but do your hurts echo within you?

I heard an analogy awhile back that "clicked" - and what I read today only affirms it. When you hold onto someone who hurts you, it's like you are handcuffed to them - they are always with you, dragging you, holding you down.  That bond is stronger than steel - and it's not a positive bond to have (let me tell you, I know!).

When you forgive them, you unlock *your* handcuff.  Not theirs.

 Then you hand the handcuffs to God.

 You may think that "if you let them go, they'll get away with how they hurt you!" - but remember that everyone will stand before Him and have to account for their actions in life.  We have a just and loving  Father in Heaven who we need to trust to take that burden, that disappointment, that betrayal and give it to Him and trust that He can handle it.

He is a BIG God. 

Look at the amazing sunset He created tonight, in Dallas.

How can you see a sight like that and not stop in your tracks and realize how BIG God is?  And surely if God can create such majesty, He can right the wrongs and fill in the cracks of your soul?

You don't heal in order to forgive; you forgive in order to heal. 

And let me tell you.  A few months ago, I sat in a room and declared who I forgave out loud - I heard my voice say it and I realized that my voice had as much conviction as the finality my life experienced when I was first hurt.  Truthfully though, guess what was more powerful?  My voice.

I wish I could write here and have it be a final testament that I will always be okay with the journeys my life has taken me. Some days I have reminders of what I forgave and it's hard.  But it's harder living life locked down and chained to what hurt you.  I'm closing this with one of the most profound passages I've ever read about forgiveness and I pray it blesses you, too.

“Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of another person's throat......Forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established. Forgiveness in no way requires that you trust the one you forgive. But should they finally confess and repent, you will discover a miracle in your own heart that allows you to reach out and begin to build between you a bridge of reconciliation. Forgiveness does not excuse anything.  You may have to declare your forgiveness a hundred times the first day and the second day, but the third day will be less and each day after, until one day you will realize that you have forgiven completely. And then one day you will pray for his wholeness......”

― William P. Young, The Shack

Truth Written on a Coffee Pot

Last year, I decided to randomly start writing messages on post it notes - messages that I knew needed to further sink into my heart. I chose my coffee pot to be the place where I put my notes, because after all,  I knew I would see them there. In such a loved place in my home, surely, after seeing them so much, they would sink in.  Right?  

The first one was "You deserve to be loved".


A year ago, I was just beginning to believe that. And I confess that a few select events of the past year threatened to uproot that belief. Thankfully though, those words were knitted in a very solid foundation because a year later, I come to you now with these words:

I still believe it. 

That's why I can speak the same phrase into other's lives too - because I've known what it's like to suffocate without holding that belief in your heart. 
 
So, my coffee pot affirmation worked, right?


If only it was always that simple. 
                                                               
                                                                 
                                                                           The truth is that it's not.  



Earlier this year, I retired that post it note and put another one in it's place: 

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord" Job 1:21

~ 

That verse made it's way to my coffee pot earlier this year - after I had experienced a loss that took me much by surprise.  Shortly after that loss, I experienced a personal trauma that shook my foundation to the very core. Trust me, that event put me on a journey that I never thought I would face again. 

Yet, this verse would stare me in the face each and every day - and it became a truth I stood on and it rooted firmly in the soil of my faith.

It's what has kept my eyes toward Heaven, literally singing to the stars, "Happy Birthday" to my sister, a few short weeks ago. 

It's what softened my sorrow when I found out my Father passed away last month. I know where my Daddy is.  He's HOME.

My Dad lived a FULL life here.  And I can only imagine the even FULLER life my Dad is experiencing with Jesus and his other daughter, Elena.  This belief, held in my heart, serves to blessedly soften the loss of my Dad because I truly believe his soul entered the place it was created for all along.

And even still, I reach out to the woman whom God chose to give me life and bring me into this world, even as she rests in a psychiatric unit, detached, bitter, angry, and overcome by her own mental illness that her doctors are doing their best to treat.  I have had numerous "Why do you still care, after everything she has done?"  My response is simple and direct: "She is a human being. And sometimes people need love the most when they deserve it the least."  And instead of having my own heart be consumed by bitterness that I still can't have the Mom I have longed for all my life, I am grateful that my heart refuses to dwell in unforgiveness.  Mom, I forgive you.

In the middle of all of this, I find a place in my heart to give thanks - my eucharisteo. I have seen that God not only works in big ways, but is it not true that He works in small ways as well?  I love how Ann Voskamp of "One Thousand Gifts" puts it .. "When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin, and deep crevices, life grows."

I praise God that my Mom is being in a place where she is finally receiving the help she needs.  I am thankful that my heart still has compassion for her - and still cares about a woman who long since ceased to care about me. I am thankful that God gave me the strength to testify in court - ultimately for her well-being - a mere 4 days after I had laid my Father to rest.  I am thankful that the Lord blessed me with dear friends who uttered timely words of love and support during my harder times and for the arms that have held me when no words would suffice. I am thankful that God has given me a multi-tasking and reasonably intelligent mind to hopefully handle their affairs and estate with the care and clarity needed - and may my own Red Sea part when the time comes that I'm facing an ocean of concern.

Thanksgiving is the tool I use to treat the wound that this world has given. 

I give thanks for the sleepy eyes of my little loves as they awaken and trudge off to their first day of school and give thanks for sunsets that make me grab my iphone to snap a pic to capture the beauty.  And when hard times come, as they certainly will, I give thanks to the promise found in scripture that declares "there is a time and season for everything" (Eccl 3). 

My prayer is that this song can be the cry of your heart if you are in a place where your hands can no longer lift to Him.  He loves you, my dear readers. 

A special Mother's Day writing for the motherless daughter

In a few days, mothers and daughters will gather and celebrate the relationship that begins from the first beat of a tiny heart deep in mother's womb.  The relationship that contains all the amazing moments of awe - from holding her tiny hand during her first hour of life, to holding her hand as she walks into Kindergarten, to holding her hand as she steps into her car as she drives off to college.


Mothers and Daughters. 

And for those whose of you whose mothers have either passed away or can no longer be in your life, may I sit with you for a minute?  May I pass you a warm cup of coffee and send you a glance of "I understand?"  May I put my arms around you and wipe a tear if you need me to?

It's okay to reflect on the moments that have passed within the endless arms of times and find yourself longing.

I know I do.

Time passes and life happens, and as birthdays, first days of school, anniversaries, baby showers, first steps, talent shows, family gatherings, and new jobs happen, we are reminded.

We are reminded 
of the journey 
that we walk without her.



Mom.



 Sometimes it's hard to be the motherless daughter when you see mothers and daughters all around you.  Just yesterday I saw a mom and daughter come out of a restaurant and they were laughing amidst the time they were sharing. And while I was happy for them...it made me long.

At age 34, I wish I had a Mom.
And the little girl of my heart perhaps always will long for a Mommy.

I wish I had a Mom to stroke the hair back from my face and tell me that it would be okay.
I wish I had a Mom who would call me at the end of the day ... even if it was just to annoy me.
I wish I had a Mom who could be there to watch her grandchildren grow up and smile as she sees a legacy form amongst the years that pass.
I wish I had a Mom who could hold my hand and we could compare how similar our hands are.
I wish I had a Mom who would tell me things like "Strive for excellence, not perfection".
I wish I could see the words at the end of a birthday card, addressed to me: "Love, Mom"

I wish I had a Mom who would have put pink bandaids on my knee and made me believe that kisses really did heal booboos.

Because they do. 






I believe that the Lord hears my longing ... and yours. And I believe that He is there in the moments when we are sitting curled up alone on the corner of your couch and in the moments when you want to stomp your feet and say, "It's not fair!"

God knows.
God cares about us.
And He catches all the tears that fall .... and even the ones that don't.

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
~Psalm 56:8

Rest in Him this weekend, if you need to.  I promise, He can fill those gaps that you might notice more this time of year.

"You are your mother’s daughter, created in your Father God’s image. And nothing can break that." - LisaJo

~
Marlena

Rain or Shine: Everlasting God

I remember one night, not too long ago, when I went with a friend to a conference where a whole lot of God was being spoken and a whole lot of praise was being lifted up. Actually, I was almost dragged there but sometimes you need a friend like that - one who sees you in all your brokenness and even still, loves you into something nourishing. I remember riding there with her in mostly silence because I was in the middle of a pretty powerful personal storm.

I was numb. Shut down. Desperately hurting.
 
We hear about tunnels in our lives that seem dark and let me tell you, this one was a doozy. 

It is also in those darkest tunnels that slivers of light can most easily radiate.

I went in and sat down. 

I could not mistake the presence of God and God-filled people all around me - it was definite nourishment my soul needed. I stared within the room - at people thirsty for Glory and hungry for grace.  But me? I could not sing.  I could not stand and raise my hands to Him.  I was still.  I didn't want to mechanically sing, so in a manner very much unlike me and with people standing all around me, I sat, shut down. Arms crossed protectively.

Then a song started playing...a song about not always being strong. The lyrics reminded me something - that God's strength powerfully begins where mine sacrificially ends.  The lyrics echoed the promises of God - which, no matter what, I cling to and believe. No matter what. 

The words of Isaiah 40:31 ring true, "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

And I realized that no matter what storm I was in...my belief in the truth about who God is, was stronger than my silence and stillness. 

God is good, all the time.

God.
Is.
Good.

And no matter how bad the times were, God was still good. God was still God.

As Max Lucado says, "If God can make a billion galaxies, can't He make good out of our bad and sense out of our faltering lives? Of course He can. He is God."

I rose to my feet.

Somewhere within the lyrics, my protective arms uncrossed and my wounded heart surrendered - and I sang.

When you see God moving and transforming the lives of others…

Nothing transforms, makes new, renews, and breathes grace giving life, like the power of God.  

Nothing. 

"Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces." Psalm 34:5 

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16:11