Truth Written on a Coffee Pot

Last year, I decided to randomly start writing messages on post it notes - messages that I knew needed to further sink into my heart. I chose my coffee pot to be the place where I put my notes, because after all,  I knew I would see them there. In such a loved place in my home, surely, after seeing them so much, they would sink in.  Right?  

The first one was "You deserve to be loved".


A year ago, I was just beginning to believe that. And I confess that a few select events of the past year threatened to uproot that belief. Thankfully though, those words were knitted in a very solid foundation because a year later, I come to you now with these words:

I still believe it. 

That's why I can speak the same phrase into other's lives too - because I've known what it's like to suffocate without holding that belief in your heart. 
 
So, my coffee pot affirmation worked, right?


If only it was always that simple. 
                                                               
                                                                 
                                                                           The truth is that it's not.  



Earlier this year, I retired that post it note and put another one in it's place: 

"The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord" Job 1:21

~ 

That verse made it's way to my coffee pot earlier this year - after I had experienced a loss that took me much by surprise.  Shortly after that loss, I experienced a personal trauma that shook my foundation to the very core. Trust me, that event put me on a journey that I never thought I would face again. 

Yet, this verse would stare me in the face each and every day - and it became a truth I stood on and it rooted firmly in the soil of my faith.

It's what has kept my eyes toward Heaven, literally singing to the stars, "Happy Birthday" to my sister, a few short weeks ago. 

It's what softened my sorrow when I found out my Father passed away last month. I know where my Daddy is.  He's HOME.

My Dad lived a FULL life here.  And I can only imagine the even FULLER life my Dad is experiencing with Jesus and his other daughter, Elena.  This belief, held in my heart, serves to blessedly soften the loss of my Dad because I truly believe his soul entered the place it was created for all along.

And even still, I reach out to the woman whom God chose to give me life and bring me into this world, even as she rests in a psychiatric unit, detached, bitter, angry, and overcome by her own mental illness that her doctors are doing their best to treat.  I have had numerous "Why do you still care, after everything she has done?"  My response is simple and direct: "She is a human being. And sometimes people need love the most when they deserve it the least."  And instead of having my own heart be consumed by bitterness that I still can't have the Mom I have longed for all my life, I am grateful that my heart refuses to dwell in unforgiveness.  Mom, I forgive you.

In the middle of all of this, I find a place in my heart to give thanks - my eucharisteo. I have seen that God not only works in big ways, but is it not true that He works in small ways as well?  I love how Ann Voskamp of "One Thousand Gifts" puts it .. "When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin, and deep crevices, life grows."

I praise God that my Mom is being in a place where she is finally receiving the help she needs.  I am thankful that my heart still has compassion for her - and still cares about a woman who long since ceased to care about me. I am thankful that God gave me the strength to testify in court - ultimately for her well-being - a mere 4 days after I had laid my Father to rest.  I am thankful that the Lord blessed me with dear friends who uttered timely words of love and support during my harder times and for the arms that have held me when no words would suffice. I am thankful that God has given me a multi-tasking and reasonably intelligent mind to hopefully handle their affairs and estate with the care and clarity needed - and may my own Red Sea part when the time comes that I'm facing an ocean of concern.

Thanksgiving is the tool I use to treat the wound that this world has given. 

I give thanks for the sleepy eyes of my little loves as they awaken and trudge off to their first day of school and give thanks for sunsets that make me grab my iphone to snap a pic to capture the beauty.  And when hard times come, as they certainly will, I give thanks to the promise found in scripture that declares "there is a time and season for everything" (Eccl 3). 

My prayer is that this song can be the cry of your heart if you are in a place where your hands can no longer lift to Him.  He loves you, my dear readers. 

A special Mother's Day writing for the motherless daughter

In a few days, mothers and daughters will gather and celebrate the relationship that begins from the first beat of a tiny heart deep in mother's womb.  The relationship that contains all the amazing moments of awe - from holding her tiny hand during her first hour of life, to holding her hand as she walks into Kindergarten, to holding her hand as she steps into her car as she drives off to college.


Mothers and Daughters. 

And for those whose of you whose mothers have either passed away or can no longer be in your life, may I sit with you for a minute?  May I pass you a warm cup of coffee and send you a glance of "I understand?"  May I put my arms around you and wipe a tear if you need me to?

It's okay to reflect on the moments that have passed within the endless arms of times and find yourself longing.

I know I do.

Time passes and life happens, and as birthdays, first days of school, anniversaries, baby showers, first steps, talent shows, family gatherings, and new jobs happen, we are reminded.

We are reminded 
of the journey 
that we walk without her.



Mom.



 Sometimes it's hard to be the motherless daughter when you see mothers and daughters all around you.  Just yesterday I saw a mom and daughter come out of a restaurant and they were laughing amidst the time they were sharing. And while I was happy for them...it made me long.

At age 34, I wish I had a Mom.
And the little girl of my heart perhaps always will long for a Mommy.

I wish I had a Mom to stroke the hair back from my face and tell me that it would be okay.
I wish I had a Mom who would call me at the end of the day ... even if it was just to annoy me.
I wish I had a Mom who could be there to watch her grandchildren grow up and smile as she sees a legacy form amongst the years that pass.
I wish I had a Mom who could hold my hand and we could compare how similar our hands are.
I wish I had a Mom who would tell me things like "Strive for excellence, not perfection".
I wish I could see the words at the end of a birthday card, addressed to me: "Love, Mom"

I wish I had a Mom who would have put pink bandaids on my knee and made me believe that kisses really did heal booboos.

Because they do. 






I believe that the Lord hears my longing ... and yours. And I believe that He is there in the moments when we are sitting curled up alone on the corner of your couch and in the moments when you want to stomp your feet and say, "It's not fair!"

God knows.
God cares about us.
And He catches all the tears that fall .... and even the ones that don't.

You keep track of all my sorrows.
You have collected all my tears in your bottle.
You have recorded each one in your book.
~Psalm 56:8

Rest in Him this weekend, if you need to.  I promise, He can fill those gaps that you might notice more this time of year.

"You are your mother’s daughter, created in your Father God’s image. And nothing can break that." - LisaJo

~
Marlena

Rain or Shine: Everlasting God

I remember one night, not too long ago, when I went with a friend to a conference where a whole lot of God was being spoken and a whole lot of praise was being lifted up. Actually, I was almost dragged there but sometimes you need a friend like that - one who sees you in all your brokenness and even still, loves you into something nourishing. I remember riding there with her in mostly silence because I was in the middle of a pretty powerful personal storm.

I was numb. Shut down. Desperately hurting.
 
We hear about tunnels in our lives that seem dark and let me tell you, this one was a doozy. 

It is also in those darkest tunnels that slivers of light can most easily radiate.

I went in and sat down. 

I could not mistake the presence of God and God-filled people all around me - it was definite nourishment my soul needed. I stared within the room - at people thirsty for Glory and hungry for grace.  But me? I could not sing.  I could not stand and raise my hands to Him.  I was still.  I didn't want to mechanically sing, so in a manner very much unlike me and with people standing all around me, I sat, shut down. Arms crossed protectively.

Then a song started playing...a song about not always being strong. The lyrics reminded me something - that God's strength powerfully begins where mine sacrificially ends.  The lyrics echoed the promises of God - which, no matter what, I cling to and believe. No matter what. 

The words of Isaiah 40:31 ring true, "Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

And I realized that no matter what storm I was in...my belief in the truth about who God is, was stronger than my silence and stillness. 

God is good, all the time.

God.
Is.
Good.

And no matter how bad the times were, God was still good. God was still God.

As Max Lucado says, "If God can make a billion galaxies, can't He make good out of our bad and sense out of our faltering lives? Of course He can. He is God."

I rose to my feet.

Somewhere within the lyrics, my protective arms uncrossed and my wounded heart surrendered - and I sang.

When you see God moving and transforming the lives of others…

Nothing transforms, makes new, renews, and breathes grace giving life, like the power of God.  

Nothing. 

"Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces." Psalm 34:5 

"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16:11 

~Fallen Hope? Think again, beloved. ~

Sometimes it's all just a matter of perspective....

In my office, above the double doors, I have two metal words hung up: "Love" and "Hope".  Last week, out of nowhere, "Hope" fell and just landed on the carpet, staring at me as I sat nearby at my computer chair.

And on the tail-end of an incredibly difficult two weeks, I confess to you this: I sighed.

Loudly.

Why me? Why did "hope" have to fall down on the ground again? Isn't it always like that, though? We think that we are finally on a roll of life and in the swing of living, when all of a sudden the rug is swooshed out from under us and we're left wondering, "Um, I didn't sign up for this.  Hope, can you please get back up where you belong?"

I left it laying there - I'm not sure why.  I passed by it for several days, thinking about my recently fallen hope and I didn't notice the incredibly obvious truth that was literally right there in front of me.  On my carpet, by the newly painted blue walls.

Hope.

A friend pointed it out to me when I told her the story. She said that she didn't see that hope had fallen at all. 

She said that hope had made itself known to me. 

And, indeed, it had.  Because everyday that I saw that word on my floor (much, much more often than I would have seen it hanging above my door), I was reminded of the word. In the midst of every morning, every afternoon and every evening...there it was.  Making itself known.  Seen.  Tangible -- even as just a word.

Hope itself wouldn't let me forget that that hope exists.

Even if I don't see it.
Or understand it.
Or expect it.

It's easy to focus on the rain or the storm.  It's easy to focus on the trial and lose sight that someday, prayerfully...this too shall pass and once again, light will prevail. It always has and always will. So will justice - even if it's not on this side of Heaven.

Hope.

Once again, truth trumps feelings.

And in the pale blue office, with books, a mug of steaming coffee, piles of paperwork and a woman with brown hair tossed into a pony tail, I write about that very word.

Hope.


Beautiful, real hope.

~ Things that make life worth living ~

Sunsets. Falling in love. Hearing your favorite song on the radio. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside. Candlelight. Milkshakes. Bubble baths. Giggling. Seeing the stars twinkle. Long conversations late at night. Waves hitting a beach. Running through sprinklers. Smiles. 

 

 

The beauty of a snowfall. Sledding. Red cheeks. Laughter.  Bubbles. Twirling. Hula hoops. Laughing at an inside joke. Laughing at yourself. Laughing so hard your stomach hurts. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all. Just plain laughing. Having someone tell you that you're beautiful. Friends. 













Realizing that you are loved by the God of the Universe. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you. Taking a chance. Knowing God. Those "aha" moments in life. Hope.

 




 Amazing grace.

 

Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep. First kisses. Making new friends or spending time with old ones. Playing with a new puppy. Holding a sleeping baby. Sweet dreams. Hot chocolate. The prefect cup of coffee. Butterfly kisses. Making chocolate chip cookies. Making a mess. Hearing "I love you". Warm snuggles.








Holding hands with someone you care about. Watching the sunrise. Watching a sunset. Realizing you made a difference in someone's world. Realizing that you really are that strong. Encouraging someone. Knowing that somebody misses you. Knowing that you are someone worth missing. Knowing you matter to someone - but first of all, to yourself. Dancing in the dark. Singing in the shower. 

Feeling your heart open. 

                                                      Knowing that you really can reach for the stars.

~ Winter, peace, broken roads ~

Tonight, I'm listening.

I'm listening to the crackle of the warm fire not 10 feet from me.

I'm listening to the wind howling outside - negative 8 degrees wind chill is ridiculously cold for Dallas! But inside, only cozy warmth. :)

I'm listening to the sound of my cat purring nearby.

And I'm listening to the sound of peace, mixed with a little amazing grace.

In this moment, in my now, these average and ordinary sounds remind me of one specific, beautiful thing: I'm at peace.

Peace.

I know what peace is because I've experienced everything it isn't.

I believe God doesn't create broken roads of our lives but He sure can lead us through them...right to Him, where His perfect love and perfect peace abounds. I never knew all the lost dreams I had were really resting in Hands greater than mine. I never knew that the true love that I was looking for all along could not be found within any person but in a God who gave life it's name. I never knew that the broken pieces of my life were worth the time to be put back together. I never knew what love truly was ... until it called me, saved me, redeemed me.

And where I'm at ... where I've been ... where I'm going, I dedicate this song to my God, my Savior, my best friend:

"Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

~ Words for the broken little girl ~

As the moon stood outside a window on a warm July night, a little girl with brown eyes and brown hair lay motionless inside a room, eyes squeezed shut, desperately wanting to sink through the floor. That night marked a "before/after" in her young life that she desperately wanted to forget about. And "forget" she did - she locked away her pain, took on the words "I'm fine!" to fill every part of her life, and set her eyes on moving forward, not feeling one single bit for the irrefutable death that occurred that night.

Later....much, much later, I realized that deep inside my heart, that same little girl still had a place - it was like she took up residence in some corner of me.

I was that little girl. And I was 11 years old.


















In this corner of my soul, the little girl in me still had her little hands up because she learned at that young age that even the people you trust the most to not hurt you...inevitably will.

In this corner, I would keep part of myself withdrawn and silent - it was like the same words that told me that night "don't ever tell!" echoed into other areas of my life.

In this corner, this Little Marlena of my soul would always say, "I'm fine! It didn't matter. It's in the past."

Only it wasn't.


There came a time when I had to acknowledge that wounded Little Marlena within my heart -- my "inner child" if you will. And I had to reach deep within to find her and tell the wounded part of me from long ago that it was okay, that she was safe, and that she survived.

And I had to realize that the God who wove together every strand of my soul loved the parts of me that were detached, confused, scared, and so very wounded.

And that He could take the pieces of a broken little girl and put her back together again.















A couple of years ago, I wrote a letter to the child within my heart.

The strong, wiser part of me spoke to the parts of me that were still hurting and hiding.

To all the grown women who might have little girls of their souls who are hurting, please accept these words you are about to read as they are: Loving. Accepting. Welcoming. Protecting.

They are for you, too.

What happened to you is not a reflection of who you are but a reflection of those who hurt you.

You are not alone.

So many of us have similar darkened places and corners of our hearts that we hide in, around, or within. By grace, I pray that the words that comforted me once upon a time just reach in and give the same comfort to you.


Sweet Child,

How I wish these words could act as a hand to brush your dark hair out of your dark eyes. I wish you could look into my calm, comforting eyes to find the security and love I know you seek. Sweet child, I know you're hurting so bad and as someone who loves you so much, I would do anything to protect you and shelter you from this storm.

Never forget that even in the darkest night, God also loves you and will always hold your hand - He is closer than any prayer you say. Someday those eyes of yours that reflect so much sadness will someday reflect happiness. It's coming, honey - just hold on.

In those dark moments, hold my hand. In the moments when your heart is crying, don't look at the pain around you and within you - look at the sun outside or the moon beaming. Find something to focus on, something to find strength from. Just survive. All you need to do right now is survive - and you will. I promise. You will.

Honey, it's not your fault. You have not done a single thing to cause this. Some people are just really messed up inside and broken themselves - and they hurt other people. I understand why you kept silent and it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's. Not. Your. Fault. And guess what? It's okay to cry too. I understand.

I wish I could be with you hiding - we would hug Garfield together and I would tell you about your amazing future that lies ahead. I would tell you that I can be your strength and that I am always here for you, and that no matter what, you will always be the amazing, beautiful person that God created you to be.

No one will ever destroy your spirit and a million times over, I want to tell you what you never, ever heard...it will be okay. It will be okay. It will be okay. You have every right to be loved and cared for in the ways that only exist in your dreams - and I am here to tell you that someday they can exist in your reality too.

Your only job right now is surviving and growing into a brighter future than you can ever dream. Just survive, and I promise you that we will sort through your pain and heartache later. Trust me. For now, know that I love you, you are amazingly strong, and despite every sad corner of your little life right now, it is my absolute promise to show you joy and sunshine someday.

Love, The grown-up part of your heart


This is a song for you.

... Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection
Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection ...

~ You're alright - a Lifehouse lullaby for a hurt soul ~

The first time I heard this song, it was in the still of the night, in the corner of my couch, laptop perched on my lap. I even remember I was wearing owl pajamas and my hair was in a ponytail - it's strange what you remember during moments you will never forget.

In that moment, my friend, who I had opened up to about some deep soul wounds of my heart -- felt led to send me this song. When I clicked on the link, it was not what I was expecting. I was incredibly silent and just listened.

Boy did I listen.

You see, this song seemed to be created from words inside my head that had never made their way onto paper. Each verse held some sort of truth for me - for some point in my life.

Silent tears clouded my eyes till the lyrics on the screen disappeared.

But I still heard them.

'Cause the weak will
Seek the weaker til they've broken them.
Could you get it back again?
Would it be the same?
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense,
Left you with no defense;
They tore it down.


And I will never forget them.

This song is about being walked on. It's about being treated badly by others because it makes those people feel good about themselves; That hurting someone elses feelings gives them a feeling of importance. It's about withdrawing into yourself - isolating yourself from the world because, when you retreat into your "shell", you're safe and no-one can hurt you... none of those cruel, ignorant people who enjoy putting you down can do anymore harm to you when you've locked yourself away in your "cage".

Locked inside
The only place
Where you feel sheltered,
Where you feel safe.
You lost yourself
In your search to find
Something else to hide behind.

I cried over it many times and it was strangely, incredibly healing. I felt comforted by knowing that I was not alone in my heartache and that the reason why the lyrics were even written is heartbreakingly because they were truth for someone else too. Someone had to endure this pain in order for the lyrics to even form.

Perhaps way more than what we would ever like to imagine.

Refuse to feel anything at all,
Refuse to slip,
Refuse to fall.
Can't be weak,
Can't stand still,
You watch your back 'cause no one will.

I believe that everyone deserves to be treated with care and respect.
I believe that everyone deserves to feel safe in their world.
I believe that everyone deserves to have a soft place to land.

~
The fearful always preyed upon your confidence.
Did they see the consequence,
when they pushed you around?
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones,
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown.

~

You don't know why they had to go this far,
Traded your worth for these scars,
For your only company.
And don't believe the lies
That they have told to you. Not one word was true
you're alright, you're alright, you're alright.

If you listened to this and felt a similar twinge as I did ... still do... hearing this haunting melody and lyrics, know this:

You're alright, you're alright, you're alright.
















And you're not alone. You never have been and you never will be. How do I know this?

Because God so loved the world.

~ Ordinary Sunday ~

Here, on this cold Sunday morning in late January, an ordinary morning has transpired.

A Mom got up with her 2 kids. Fixed breakfast. Little Einsteins was on in the background. Got 2 kids ready to go to church. Got myself ready to go to church. Looked at the pile of dishes in the sink, thought about the laundry in the dryer that needed to be folded. Saw the toys on the floor from last night and they blurred into the rest of the things that need to be put away.

In passing through this Sunday morning, I made mental notes on my eternal to-do list.

But...what if I looked at this morning through different eyes.

What if I reflected on the sweet, sweet cuddles I received from my little girl when she crawled into my bed at dawn? She navigated herself to the warm, occupied part of my bed and cradled herself against me.


And I got to breathe in her sweet strawberry smelling hair and hold the same little girl in my arms who I first held 5 years ago when she was laid across my body with a loud cry and a hundred "I love you's" coming from my lips.







What if when I was making eggs, I noticed the smiles from the silly song I made up, "Making eggy weggies, in the pan you go! It's an eggy weggy Sunday...don't you know!" and how eager they are to help cook? Would I notice how much they love to hang out with me in the simplest of ways? And how much they bless my life, even in a kitchen with dishes in the sink and crumbs on the floor?


And the toys I stepped over - well, they created one of the memories that will forever be in the "filebox" of my heart. Last night, Alena & I had a random pre-bedtime tea party on my bedroom floor - jammies and all. Not only will I never forget the careful, sweet way she filled my princess cup with invisible tea and how she made sure I had a beautiful slice of "wedding" cake, but also how she kissed my cheek and told me how beautiful my hair looked sprawled out on the floor.

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive.















And what if I noticed that even though my time with my hot coffee and the Word was not completely quiet in the other room, I realized that the voices of my son and daughter playing a lego game were blessed sounds to have in the background of a home. They are voices of little people growing in this world, on this date, in this home.

So...on a normal, ordinary Sunday in late January, a life and family lives. With toys on the floor, eggs on breakfast plates, jammies on little bodies, and a Mom realizing that there might never be enough time in the day but there will always be enough love throughout it.

“Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.” - Oliver Wendell Holmes

~ You deserve to be loved ~

Read the quote to my left please.

Now read it again. Thank you.

Okay, I know some of you agree with me - but...even if you don't, the truth of the statement trumps your feelings that may doubt the validity of it.

Because of the truth, I want to share a few things with you to help guard your precious heart that deserves to be loved.

Lord, please protect the hearts of your daughters and may they be willing and have the heart to not only wait upon You, but also wait to jump into the arms of what they FEEL rather than the arms that have SHOWN them they are worthy of trust.

Sometimes packages can look realllly pretty.

I'm not sure if you've ever received a present that just looking at it took your breath away. You saw the beautiful wrapping paper and the bow - and were just mesmerized by how blessed you were to receive such an amazing gift. It might have even had your name on it - it seemed so custom and created for you. You might have prayed all your life for it, you might have even wished on stars for it.

You thanked God for such a beautiful gift.

You might even have known that "it's what's on the inside that counts" and you truly thought that what seemed so beautiful and perfect on the surface (and I'm not just talking about appearance - I'm going deeper than that!) was just as amazing on the inside.

The little voice in your head that says "appearances can be deceiving" was just quieted by your blind eyes that were longing for sweetness, security, something to believe in and make sense of. More. (and in the midst of these words, God says, "Beloved, it's Me you long truly need.") You convinced yourself and might have tried to convince God. You believed amidst your yearning that the beautiful gift was really real.

And then you opened it - or, someone opened it for you. Like, truly opened it up.

What you thought was genuine turned out to be much less than.

What you thought was real gold - turned out to be golden only on the surface.

What you thought to be written on your heart very well still might be - but you just opened the wrong box.

So, you brush your wounded, disappointed, possibly abandoned, shaken, heart broken self up - and wonder how you can ever trust another beautiful package again to really hold something of true value to you.

Have you been there, my friends?

In our fallen world, this happens every day. Promises mean little to the person who doesn't understand the significance of one. A person's actions speak more than any word they speak to you. You will know a person's true heart by the way they TREAT you - not in the words they TELL you.

You can always love the ones you trust but you cannot always trust the ones you love. Trust is earned.

When you realize your worth in this world - you will guard your heart with wisdom and not your feelings. You will give them a chance to become more to you - don't give them a place in your heart they have not earned yet. Your heart is VALUABLE.

Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." So what does that mean? For intimate relationships, I believe it means that you must build a foundation in friendship before seeking a house of intimacy. It means seeking God's heart for the future of the relationship and continuously turning to Him for His sweet voice to speak to your heart.

Guarding your heart is a call to protect your character. Your spirit. Your you.

It's like a key that unlocks deeper intimacy and opens your doors to vulnerability - both which are beautiful and precious in life. And in the right time, they are. Intimacy and vulnerability take time to develop.

Time.


True love waits.

And I will never stop advocating for you or any other heart out there to be loved safely, honestly, purely, and truly.

I value your heart.

So does God.

You are His Beloved and with God, there are standards for love here on earth that He wants to make darn sure you have!

You deserve to be loved.

~ Love Never Fails ~

Happy Friday, my twirling friends. :)

My prayer is that today, you listen to this song, and know that you are loved.

Yes, YOU.

LOVED. Passionately, completely, purely.

This song took my breath away when I first heard it - because it is so different from the majority of love that exists in our fallen, human world. The love within these lyrics is true, pure, and safe. This love is one that protects, sustains, provides, hopes, and believes.



Love can be found in the arms that hold you in silence or the voice that corrects firmly but gently.

Love can be found in the brightest day when your future feels incredibly hopeful or the darkest night when love beckons, "Open your eyes, beloved - I promise you, light is coming."

Love can be found in the bleary eyes of the Mom up at 3 am and in the man who plants a seed of hope deep in a desperate life.

Love can be found on your knees in prayer, encouraging someone to finish the race, or speaking the breath of life into a soul wrought with pain.

Love can be found in forgiveness.

Love can be found in sharing your testimony because it allows the deepest trials of your life to be used for His glory.

Love can be found in a manger, at the foot of the cross, and in the empty grave.

For some, love might seem so far away. I know I've been hurt before by "love" that ended up being much, much less than God's heart for love. But I have learned (and am learning) that a heart that is closed might indeed be safe ... but it also can't breathe and live.



My sweet readers, if you can't trust anyone else in the name of love here on earth, I pray that you can trust and rest in the Creator of love who longs to change your definition. And if you already bask in that Love today, just drink it in!

~Twirl~

~ Hold Fast ~

Strong faith is not built on perfection. It is built on the trials that we face and the questions that we ask. It is formed in the way we choose to face those trials. Or, when God says "no". Or, when you pray without ceasing - and you wonder why you ever did. Those questions draw us into a deeper relationship with our Father.

If you let them.

Beloved, we are ALL human, myself included. Circumstances in our lives can make or break our relationship with Christ. There have been times in my life when I was just done and could not take another unanswered question. Times that I believed that my heart was completely beyond repair and that even if would ever be made whole, I knew deep inside it would just be broken again. I told God that I didn't know how to trust Him anymore - and I cried till I could cry no more - but in the stillness of the night, I heard it. Not just once, my dear friends - but each and everytime I got to the depths of the darkness of my life. I heard it.

His gentle voice.

I felt the strong Hand of my Savior reach into my soul and just hold my broken.

My broken that cracked when I was abandoned, unwanted, unloved, and so hurt I could not recognize my own face. My broken when I questioned my very place in life. My broken when I literally had to write "You deserve to be loved" on a post it note, put on a place I would see it everyday, in hopes I would someday believe it. My broken that looked in the mirror and said "something must be wrong with you". My broken that echoed "you are not worthy of love and will never be happy."

My broken that seemed to be a part of my destiny.

But...more times than I can count, I noticed that after even in the darkest, quietest of nights, morning still came.

No matter how dark the night, light was still stronger.

And I survived.

And I grew.

And I became.

I learned to cherish my tears, knowing that each one held a prayer and told a story. But I also learned to brush them off and learned that a time would come when they wouldn't fall like rain anymore. But I also learned that there never would be a time that I would be "home free" from any sorrow. I learned the value in taking another step and kept seeking the Living Water that sustains like nothing else on earth. I decided that my heart was no more capable of turning my back on God than it is denying my lungs oxygen. I breathe in grace because I remember what it was like to suffocate.

You see, when you have truly been in the dark of the darkness of life...you know how precious the light is. As my son so beautifully says, "it takes the teeniest amount of light to overcome the darkness". And I'm here to say that He's right. Somedays it might only feel "teeny tiny". But, I promise you...look for it.

That light is there.

No matter how strong I may seem, please know that I'm real. Very real. I'm on a life journey myself and have days where I find myself on my knees crying out to God with words that can't even get past my lips. There are days when I feel like I can't trust anyone and days when I wonder if it's possible to have too much faith because I trusted fully in something and realized that I shouldn't have. There are days when I feel like everything I do is wrong and that I'm irrefutably flawed. And times when I learn the incredibly hard lesson that even the people you trust the most to never hurt you, are indeed very capable of doing so. The days when I realize that the more I open my heart and let people in, the greater the risk runs to be hurt.

There are days when it just rains and is cold.

But those days balance out a life - a very full, spirit- filled life that knows JOY and LOVE and FREEDOM. A life that has a very deep faith because I have held fast and sought Him during the valleys. I know that there is a Heavenly realm stronger than my Earthly one - and in the Kingdom of God, I am fully whole and wholly full.

Psalm 13:1 may seem painfully real at times. “How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?”

But so are vs 5-6 "“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.”

And you know what? The same Jesus that I give the glory for redeeming my life...can redeem anything, for anyone, anywhere. Right where you are, beloved.

And I guarantee you that I will read these words again myself tonight and be comforted too.

Much love to you all

"God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces"

~When God Showed Up - Part of My Story~

Several months ago, God found me again.

Or, rather, I let myself be found - all I had to do was let Him know He was welcome through my wall. I have to be honest though that my wall was pretty darn solid to begin with, and my life existed with keeping people at arms lengths because of a little four letter word called "fear". The words: open, vulnerable, and "needing anyone" were not part of my internal vocabulary! I recall speaking to a friend one night and letting that person "in" - and I believe I wrote that I felt like bricks of that wall were literally turning to sand and I was watching them crumble at my feet. (Isn't God funny like that? He showed up in the form of a brick destroyer.)

I was scared at first. But then I realized that I could still breathe and let people be close to me and care about me. And then I looked up to the Heavens and within my own heart and heard another heartbeat. Jesus

I began to understand that one central thing that was missing from the core of my heart: The belief that "I deserved to be loved". I literally put that phrase on a post it note and stuck it on my coffee maker. And last Summer, while I didn't believe it at the time, I kept reading it each time I saw it. And I saw it a lot because I do love my coffee! I think I literally spoke it into existence - because shortly thereafter I felt parts of my heart turning on again that I had shut down a long time ago to survive.

God turned them back on so I could live.

There came a point in my life when I had to reach beyond the current pain I was in and see a future beyond it. Some things in my life needed facing...desperately. With each week, each month and eventually each year that passed, I had found myself slipping more and more away, into a shell of who I once was. And it is by grace that the Lord put me in contact with some flat out anointed men and women of God who saw the cloud I was under and they did everything in their power to help the Lord deliver me. I have never been more prayed for or cared for in my life and within days, the clouds were being lifted and my soul was experiencing a freedom that is truly not of this world. I definitely came out of a fire - but the light in my eyes and soul is one I didn't expect.

I'm alive now. ALIVE.

I had to work through a lot of grief for losing something very, very dear to me. I let go of a dream I always held onto - for the reality how things actually were. I realized I could no longer love and cling to a past, but I had a responsibility to not only find love and peace in the present, but a scarcely known word...JOY. It's okay for me to dream of a beautifully human love in my future - but wow, do I ever get to experience a supernaturally beautiful love right now. *twirling*

He is enough. I am in love, my friends. I'm in love with my Savior.

And I think God is going to show me His amazing love now and in His time, give me a love in the future that was written on my heart before I was born. And when it happens, my heart will stay beating in tune to the heartbeat of my first love, my sweet Jesus, and I will be bold now and already speak life into a cord of three strands for the blessing down the road.

And I feel God laying on me what is in the verse: Eph 3:20 "Now to him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us" I receive it, Lord.

Is life perfect? No.

Is life what I was expecting to have at age 33? No.

Is life absolutely knock your socks off beautiful? Oh heck yes.

I'm going to be okay. I already am.

I am going through a period now of transition and refining that is taking me deeper into who I am and more importantly, who I am in Christ. I am building relationships of love and true care that I never let truly form before. I am letting myself DREAM, and LAUGH, and (gasp!) not have it all together, all the time! I'm letting others hug me and lift me up. I'm finding my place in this world that is like I've stepped into a new world that was always here - but now I have eyes to see and ears to hear it. And Im loving others - truly embracing, LOVING others. I've had a ministry start forming beneath my feet that I never expected but humbly stand in the blessing of being a part of it. Because of my journey, I can help lead people within theirs - to a HOPE the world so desperately needs. If that isn't God making a mosaic out of a previously shattered life, I don't know what is.

Faith, Hope and Love. But the greatest of these is love.

~twirl~