~ Words for the broken little girl ~

As the moon stood outside a window on a warm July night, a little girl with brown eyes and brown hair lay motionless inside a room, eyes squeezed shut, desperately wanting to sink through the floor. That night marked a "before/after" in her young life that she desperately wanted to forget about. And "forget" she did - she locked away her pain, took on the words "I'm fine!" to fill every part of her life, and set her eyes on moving forward, not feeling one single bit for the irrefutable death that occurred that night.

Later....much, much later, I realized that deep inside my heart, that same little girl still had a place - it was like she took up residence in some corner of me.

I was that little girl. And I was 11 years old.


















In this corner of my soul, the little girl in me still had her little hands up because she learned at that young age that even the people you trust the most to not hurt you...inevitably will.

In this corner, I would keep part of myself withdrawn and silent - it was like the same words that told me that night "don't ever tell!" echoed into other areas of my life.

In this corner, this Little Marlena of my soul would always say, "I'm fine! It didn't matter. It's in the past."

Only it wasn't.


There came a time when I had to acknowledge that wounded Little Marlena within my heart -- my "inner child" if you will. And I had to reach deep within to find her and tell the wounded part of me from long ago that it was okay, that she was safe, and that she survived.

And I had to realize that the God who wove together every strand of my soul loved the parts of me that were detached, confused, scared, and so very wounded.

And that He could take the pieces of a broken little girl and put her back together again.















A couple of years ago, I wrote a letter to the child within my heart.

The strong, wiser part of me spoke to the parts of me that were still hurting and hiding.

To all the grown women who might have little girls of their souls who are hurting, please accept these words you are about to read as they are: Loving. Accepting. Welcoming. Protecting.

They are for you, too.

What happened to you is not a reflection of who you are but a reflection of those who hurt you.

You are not alone.

So many of us have similar darkened places and corners of our hearts that we hide in, around, or within. By grace, I pray that the words that comforted me once upon a time just reach in and give the same comfort to you.


Sweet Child,

How I wish these words could act as a hand to brush your dark hair out of your dark eyes. I wish you could look into my calm, comforting eyes to find the security and love I know you seek. Sweet child, I know you're hurting so bad and as someone who loves you so much, I would do anything to protect you and shelter you from this storm.

Never forget that even in the darkest night, God also loves you and will always hold your hand - He is closer than any prayer you say. Someday those eyes of yours that reflect so much sadness will someday reflect happiness. It's coming, honey - just hold on.

In those dark moments, hold my hand. In the moments when your heart is crying, don't look at the pain around you and within you - look at the sun outside or the moon beaming. Find something to focus on, something to find strength from. Just survive. All you need to do right now is survive - and you will. I promise. You will.

Honey, it's not your fault. You have not done a single thing to cause this. Some people are just really messed up inside and broken themselves - and they hurt other people. I understand why you kept silent and it's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's. Not. Your. Fault. And guess what? It's okay to cry too. I understand.

I wish I could be with you hiding - we would hug Garfield together and I would tell you about your amazing future that lies ahead. I would tell you that I can be your strength and that I am always here for you, and that no matter what, you will always be the amazing, beautiful person that God created you to be.

No one will ever destroy your spirit and a million times over, I want to tell you what you never, ever heard...it will be okay. It will be okay. It will be okay. You have every right to be loved and cared for in the ways that only exist in your dreams - and I am here to tell you that someday they can exist in your reality too.

Your only job right now is surviving and growing into a brighter future than you can ever dream. Just survive, and I promise you that we will sort through your pain and heartache later. Trust me. For now, know that I love you, you are amazingly strong, and despite every sad corner of your little life right now, it is my absolute promise to show you joy and sunshine someday.

Love, The grown-up part of your heart


This is a song for you.

... Those damaged goods you see
In your reflection
Love sees them differently
Love sees perfection ...

~ You're alright - a Lifehouse lullaby for a hurt soul ~

The first time I heard this song, it was in the still of the night, in the corner of my couch, laptop perched on my lap. I even remember I was wearing owl pajamas and my hair was in a ponytail - it's strange what you remember during moments you will never forget.

In that moment, my friend, who I had opened up to about some deep soul wounds of my heart -- felt led to send me this song. When I clicked on the link, it was not what I was expecting. I was incredibly silent and just listened.

Boy did I listen.

You see, this song seemed to be created from words inside my head that had never made their way onto paper. Each verse held some sort of truth for me - for some point in my life.

Silent tears clouded my eyes till the lyrics on the screen disappeared.

But I still heard them.

'Cause the weak will
Seek the weaker til they've broken them.
Could you get it back again?
Would it be the same?
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense,
Left you with no defense;
They tore it down.


And I will never forget them.

This song is about being walked on. It's about being treated badly by others because it makes those people feel good about themselves; That hurting someone elses feelings gives them a feeling of importance. It's about withdrawing into yourself - isolating yourself from the world because, when you retreat into your "shell", you're safe and no-one can hurt you... none of those cruel, ignorant people who enjoy putting you down can do anymore harm to you when you've locked yourself away in your "cage".

Locked inside
The only place
Where you feel sheltered,
Where you feel safe.
You lost yourself
In your search to find
Something else to hide behind.

I cried over it many times and it was strangely, incredibly healing. I felt comforted by knowing that I was not alone in my heartache and that the reason why the lyrics were even written is heartbreakingly because they were truth for someone else too. Someone had to endure this pain in order for the lyrics to even form.

Perhaps way more than what we would ever like to imagine.

Refuse to feel anything at all,
Refuse to slip,
Refuse to fall.
Can't be weak,
Can't stand still,
You watch your back 'cause no one will.

I believe that everyone deserves to be treated with care and respect.
I believe that everyone deserves to feel safe in their world.
I believe that everyone deserves to have a soft place to land.

~
The fearful always preyed upon your confidence.
Did they see the consequence,
when they pushed you around?
The arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones,
Breaking them 'til they've become just another crown.

~

You don't know why they had to go this far,
Traded your worth for these scars,
For your only company.
And don't believe the lies
That they have told to you. Not one word was true
you're alright, you're alright, you're alright.

If you listened to this and felt a similar twinge as I did ... still do... hearing this haunting melody and lyrics, know this:

You're alright, you're alright, you're alright.
















And you're not alone. You never have been and you never will be. How do I know this?

Because God so loved the world.

~ Ordinary Sunday ~

Here, on this cold Sunday morning in late January, an ordinary morning has transpired.

A Mom got up with her 2 kids. Fixed breakfast. Little Einsteins was on in the background. Got 2 kids ready to go to church. Got myself ready to go to church. Looked at the pile of dishes in the sink, thought about the laundry in the dryer that needed to be folded. Saw the toys on the floor from last night and they blurred into the rest of the things that need to be put away.

In passing through this Sunday morning, I made mental notes on my eternal to-do list.

But...what if I looked at this morning through different eyes.

What if I reflected on the sweet, sweet cuddles I received from my little girl when she crawled into my bed at dawn? She navigated herself to the warm, occupied part of my bed and cradled herself against me.


And I got to breathe in her sweet strawberry smelling hair and hold the same little girl in my arms who I first held 5 years ago when she was laid across my body with a loud cry and a hundred "I love you's" coming from my lips.







What if when I was making eggs, I noticed the smiles from the silly song I made up, "Making eggy weggies, in the pan you go! It's an eggy weggy Sunday...don't you know!" and how eager they are to help cook? Would I notice how much they love to hang out with me in the simplest of ways? And how much they bless my life, even in a kitchen with dishes in the sink and crumbs on the floor?


And the toys I stepped over - well, they created one of the memories that will forever be in the "filebox" of my heart. Last night, Alena & I had a random pre-bedtime tea party on my bedroom floor - jammies and all. Not only will I never forget the careful, sweet way she filled my princess cup with invisible tea and how she made sure I had a beautiful slice of "wedding" cake, but also how she kissed my cheek and told me how beautiful my hair looked sprawled out on the floor.

These are the moments I thank God that I'm alive.















And what if I noticed that even though my time with my hot coffee and the Word was not completely quiet in the other room, I realized that the voices of my son and daughter playing a lego game were blessed sounds to have in the background of a home. They are voices of little people growing in this world, on this date, in this home.

So...on a normal, ordinary Sunday in late January, a life and family lives. With toys on the floor, eggs on breakfast plates, jammies on little bodies, and a Mom realizing that there might never be enough time in the day but there will always be enough love throughout it.

“Where we love is home, home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.” - Oliver Wendell Holmes

~ You deserve to be loved ~

Read the quote to my left please.

Now read it again. Thank you.

Okay, I know some of you agree with me - but...even if you don't, the truth of the statement trumps your feelings that may doubt the validity of it.

Because of the truth, I want to share a few things with you to help guard your precious heart that deserves to be loved.

Lord, please protect the hearts of your daughters and may they be willing and have the heart to not only wait upon You, but also wait to jump into the arms of what they FEEL rather than the arms that have SHOWN them they are worthy of trust.

Sometimes packages can look realllly pretty.

I'm not sure if you've ever received a present that just looking at it took your breath away. You saw the beautiful wrapping paper and the bow - and were just mesmerized by how blessed you were to receive such an amazing gift. It might have even had your name on it - it seemed so custom and created for you. You might have prayed all your life for it, you might have even wished on stars for it.

You thanked God for such a beautiful gift.

You might even have known that "it's what's on the inside that counts" and you truly thought that what seemed so beautiful and perfect on the surface (and I'm not just talking about appearance - I'm going deeper than that!) was just as amazing on the inside.

The little voice in your head that says "appearances can be deceiving" was just quieted by your blind eyes that were longing for sweetness, security, something to believe in and make sense of. More. (and in the midst of these words, God says, "Beloved, it's Me you long truly need.") You convinced yourself and might have tried to convince God. You believed amidst your yearning that the beautiful gift was really real.

And then you opened it - or, someone opened it for you. Like, truly opened it up.

What you thought was genuine turned out to be much less than.

What you thought was real gold - turned out to be golden only on the surface.

What you thought to be written on your heart very well still might be - but you just opened the wrong box.

So, you brush your wounded, disappointed, possibly abandoned, shaken, heart broken self up - and wonder how you can ever trust another beautiful package again to really hold something of true value to you.

Have you been there, my friends?

In our fallen world, this happens every day. Promises mean little to the person who doesn't understand the significance of one. A person's actions speak more than any word they speak to you. You will know a person's true heart by the way they TREAT you - not in the words they TELL you.

You can always love the ones you trust but you cannot always trust the ones you love. Trust is earned.

When you realize your worth in this world - you will guard your heart with wisdom and not your feelings. You will give them a chance to become more to you - don't give them a place in your heart they have not earned yet. Your heart is VALUABLE.

Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." So what does that mean? For intimate relationships, I believe it means that you must build a foundation in friendship before seeking a house of intimacy. It means seeking God's heart for the future of the relationship and continuously turning to Him for His sweet voice to speak to your heart.

Guarding your heart is a call to protect your character. Your spirit. Your you.

It's like a key that unlocks deeper intimacy and opens your doors to vulnerability - both which are beautiful and precious in life. And in the right time, they are. Intimacy and vulnerability take time to develop.

Time.


True love waits.

And I will never stop advocating for you or any other heart out there to be loved safely, honestly, purely, and truly.

I value your heart.

So does God.

You are His Beloved and with God, there are standards for love here on earth that He wants to make darn sure you have!

You deserve to be loved.

~ Love Never Fails ~

Happy Friday, my twirling friends. :)

My prayer is that today, you listen to this song, and know that you are loved.

Yes, YOU.

LOVED. Passionately, completely, purely.

This song took my breath away when I first heard it - because it is so different from the majority of love that exists in our fallen, human world. The love within these lyrics is true, pure, and safe. This love is one that protects, sustains, provides, hopes, and believes.



Love can be found in the arms that hold you in silence or the voice that corrects firmly but gently.

Love can be found in the brightest day when your future feels incredibly hopeful or the darkest night when love beckons, "Open your eyes, beloved - I promise you, light is coming."

Love can be found in the bleary eyes of the Mom up at 3 am and in the man who plants a seed of hope deep in a desperate life.

Love can be found on your knees in prayer, encouraging someone to finish the race, or speaking the breath of life into a soul wrought with pain.

Love can be found in forgiveness.

Love can be found in sharing your testimony because it allows the deepest trials of your life to be used for His glory.

Love can be found in a manger, at the foot of the cross, and in the empty grave.

For some, love might seem so far away. I know I've been hurt before by "love" that ended up being much, much less than God's heart for love. But I have learned (and am learning) that a heart that is closed might indeed be safe ... but it also can't breathe and live.



My sweet readers, if you can't trust anyone else in the name of love here on earth, I pray that you can trust and rest in the Creator of love who longs to change your definition. And if you already bask in that Love today, just drink it in!

~Twirl~

~ Hold Fast ~

Strong faith is not built on perfection. It is built on the trials that we face and the questions that we ask. It is formed in the way we choose to face those trials. Or, when God says "no". Or, when you pray without ceasing - and you wonder why you ever did. Those questions draw us into a deeper relationship with our Father.

If you let them.

Beloved, we are ALL human, myself included. Circumstances in our lives can make or break our relationship with Christ. There have been times in my life when I was just done and could not take another unanswered question. Times that I believed that my heart was completely beyond repair and that even if would ever be made whole, I knew deep inside it would just be broken again. I told God that I didn't know how to trust Him anymore - and I cried till I could cry no more - but in the stillness of the night, I heard it. Not just once, my dear friends - but each and everytime I got to the depths of the darkness of my life. I heard it.

His gentle voice.

I felt the strong Hand of my Savior reach into my soul and just hold my broken.

My broken that cracked when I was abandoned, unwanted, unloved, and so hurt I could not recognize my own face. My broken when I questioned my very place in life. My broken when I literally had to write "You deserve to be loved" on a post it note, put on a place I would see it everyday, in hopes I would someday believe it. My broken that looked in the mirror and said "something must be wrong with you". My broken that echoed "you are not worthy of love and will never be happy."

My broken that seemed to be a part of my destiny.

But...more times than I can count, I noticed that after even in the darkest, quietest of nights, morning still came.

No matter how dark the night, light was still stronger.

And I survived.

And I grew.

And I became.

I learned to cherish my tears, knowing that each one held a prayer and told a story. But I also learned to brush them off and learned that a time would come when they wouldn't fall like rain anymore. But I also learned that there never would be a time that I would be "home free" from any sorrow. I learned the value in taking another step and kept seeking the Living Water that sustains like nothing else on earth. I decided that my heart was no more capable of turning my back on God than it is denying my lungs oxygen. I breathe in grace because I remember what it was like to suffocate.

You see, when you have truly been in the dark of the darkness of life...you know how precious the light is. As my son so beautifully says, "it takes the teeniest amount of light to overcome the darkness". And I'm here to say that He's right. Somedays it might only feel "teeny tiny". But, I promise you...look for it.

That light is there.

No matter how strong I may seem, please know that I'm real. Very real. I'm on a life journey myself and have days where I find myself on my knees crying out to God with words that can't even get past my lips. There are days when I feel like I can't trust anyone and days when I wonder if it's possible to have too much faith because I trusted fully in something and realized that I shouldn't have. There are days when I feel like everything I do is wrong and that I'm irrefutably flawed. And times when I learn the incredibly hard lesson that even the people you trust the most to never hurt you, are indeed very capable of doing so. The days when I realize that the more I open my heart and let people in, the greater the risk runs to be hurt.

There are days when it just rains and is cold.

But those days balance out a life - a very full, spirit- filled life that knows JOY and LOVE and FREEDOM. A life that has a very deep faith because I have held fast and sought Him during the valleys. I know that there is a Heavenly realm stronger than my Earthly one - and in the Kingdom of God, I am fully whole and wholly full.

Psalm 13:1 may seem painfully real at times. “How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?”

But so are vs 5-6 "“But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.”

And you know what? The same Jesus that I give the glory for redeeming my life...can redeem anything, for anyone, anywhere. Right where you are, beloved.

And I guarantee you that I will read these words again myself tonight and be comforted too.

Much love to you all

"God can heal a broken heart, but He has to have all the pieces"

~When God Showed Up - Part of My Story~

Several months ago, God found me again.

Or, rather, I let myself be found - all I had to do was let Him know He was welcome through my wall. I have to be honest though that my wall was pretty darn solid to begin with, and my life existed with keeping people at arms lengths because of a little four letter word called "fear". The words: open, vulnerable, and "needing anyone" were not part of my internal vocabulary! I recall speaking to a friend one night and letting that person "in" - and I believe I wrote that I felt like bricks of that wall were literally turning to sand and I was watching them crumble at my feet. (Isn't God funny like that? He showed up in the form of a brick destroyer.)

I was scared at first. But then I realized that I could still breathe and let people be close to me and care about me. And then I looked up to the Heavens and within my own heart and heard another heartbeat. Jesus

I began to understand that one central thing that was missing from the core of my heart: The belief that "I deserved to be loved". I literally put that phrase on a post it note and stuck it on my coffee maker. And last Summer, while I didn't believe it at the time, I kept reading it each time I saw it. And I saw it a lot because I do love my coffee! I think I literally spoke it into existence - because shortly thereafter I felt parts of my heart turning on again that I had shut down a long time ago to survive.

God turned them back on so I could live.

There came a point in my life when I had to reach beyond the current pain I was in and see a future beyond it. Some things in my life needed facing...desperately. With each week, each month and eventually each year that passed, I had found myself slipping more and more away, into a shell of who I once was. And it is by grace that the Lord put me in contact with some flat out anointed men and women of God who saw the cloud I was under and they did everything in their power to help the Lord deliver me. I have never been more prayed for or cared for in my life and within days, the clouds were being lifted and my soul was experiencing a freedom that is truly not of this world. I definitely came out of a fire - but the light in my eyes and soul is one I didn't expect.

I'm alive now. ALIVE.

I had to work through a lot of grief for losing something very, very dear to me. I let go of a dream I always held onto - for the reality how things actually were. I realized I could no longer love and cling to a past, but I had a responsibility to not only find love and peace in the present, but a scarcely known word...JOY. It's okay for me to dream of a beautifully human love in my future - but wow, do I ever get to experience a supernaturally beautiful love right now. *twirling*

He is enough. I am in love, my friends. I'm in love with my Savior.

And I think God is going to show me His amazing love now and in His time, give me a love in the future that was written on my heart before I was born. And when it happens, my heart will stay beating in tune to the heartbeat of my first love, my sweet Jesus, and I will be bold now and already speak life into a cord of three strands for the blessing down the road.

And I feel God laying on me what is in the verse: Eph 3:20 "Now to him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us" I receive it, Lord.

Is life perfect? No.

Is life what I was expecting to have at age 33? No.

Is life absolutely knock your socks off beautiful? Oh heck yes.

I'm going to be okay. I already am.

I am going through a period now of transition and refining that is taking me deeper into who I am and more importantly, who I am in Christ. I am building relationships of love and true care that I never let truly form before. I am letting myself DREAM, and LAUGH, and (gasp!) not have it all together, all the time! I'm letting others hug me and lift me up. I'm finding my place in this world that is like I've stepped into a new world that was always here - but now I have eyes to see and ears to hear it. And Im loving others - truly embracing, LOVING others. I've had a ministry start forming beneath my feet that I never expected but humbly stand in the blessing of being a part of it. Because of my journey, I can help lead people within theirs - to a HOPE the world so desperately needs. If that isn't God making a mosaic out of a previously shattered life, I don't know what is.

Faith, Hope and Love. But the greatest of these is love.

~twirl~